While this is (mostly) a running blog, it’s also a personal blog too. After a long conversation with a friend, I realized where
I find myself constantly going back and forth of being:
A “proud military spouse.”
To finding my own identity…
To being frustrated with the military because everything changes so rapidly….
I’ll always be proud of what my husband does, whether he is in the military or not.
Finding my own identity is a post by itself. In conversation, I don’t care to talk about myself a lot (ironic since I’ve been blogging for five years), but I find myself questioning my identity.
Am I Hollie, military spouse? Hollie the runner? Hollie the volunteer? Hollie the blogger? To be honest, I don’t have an answer to that, and I find myself lost in my own identity.
And of course, the last frustration component makes up most of this blog.
You know what?
Life has been hard.
Not in a whiny sense but in a talk real sense. My husband and I are preparing for another deployment soon. By “preparing”, I mean the Air Force needed him for another last minute trip, and he is currently away doing something else. The trip was only supposed to last four days but four days turned to 5…6…7…and we are still counting upwards.
In the next 16 days, there is a lot to do before the deployment. None of these things, he (or I) can do while he is away doing something else. Sure there are goodbyes, but there is a lot of paperwork and misc tasks that have to be done beforehand.
These tasks are done on top of working a normal job. What most people don’t realize is that also with the military, you don’t just “fly some” and come home. When you’re not flying you’re back doing things on base too. So it isn’t like a vacation when he is back. Not that he has been back to do that.
Essentially neither of us work regular hours. Today (Friday) was our only day off together for the next 16 days, but that didn’t pan out. With my job, I must request days off a month in advance. Working in retail that is what happens. You can’t call in sick because if you do, the store can’t function. It ultimately strains the store.
I love my job but to give you an idea of how August played out, I asked for four days off to spend with my husband. All four of those days he had emergency missions. All four of those days off were wasted for me. If I hadn’t requested off, I’m sure he would have had off.
With the military, your plans are always changing. Your needs can often come behind the needs of the AF and the county. I love my husband, and we are in a happy marriage but this month has tested both my stress and anxiety. I would by lying if I said I hadn’t cried when several plans were canceled. Is it the end of the world? No, but it’s frustrating.
I’m not a perfect wife, military spouse or person. I do know that if he could, my husband wouldn’t cancel plans.
So where does this leave me now?
The same place I started. Unfortunately, my plans are often dependent on what the needs of the military. I’ll keep trucking on and we will make the best of the situation as we normally do.