To summarize this post (because it’s long): in the last week I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, a fifth metatarsal stress fracture and a rare form of food poisoning.
It’s a question of which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Or did four rotten chickens just teleport from nowhere at the same time for a meetup in my life…
It’s not only raining, but it’s pouring in my life too. Since I have all of the time in the world, I have time to write an emotional second blog post of the day right?
Let’s dive in:
On Memorial Day, I sat on my downstairs steps, crying.
I didn’t have a reason to cry.
I wasn’t physically hurt.
It was a holiday, and I was supposed to be having an enjoyable day with my husband who also had off work.
Yet, I was crying hysterically. My husband has always been there for me through thick and thin and it isn’t easy to be there for someone who has been as needy as I have been. I was anxious and sad for no reason. My emotions were running wild, and I didn’t have any triggers. Anxiety is funny that way; you don’t need a reason to be upset, but if you’re upset, you are.
Anxiety and depression are demeans always sitting on your shoulder. They never leave. Some days they are more prevalent than others, but they are always there.
You fear judgment, comparison and often like two days ago; it manifests itself into panic attacks.
But two days ago isn’t the only time I’ve had a panic attack during the two months, I’ve had more than I would like to admit. I learned at a previous job by my boss, Shelly, that you could be having the worst day of your life, but it’s easy to leave it at the door.
So I’ve done that. Like a normal person, I’ve left my house, and my emotions have stayed at home. My body has been a shell going through the motions with my emotions at home.
I’ve gone to work and hung out with friends, but I’ve hidden a whole lot of pain that truly my husband only knows about. Except now that you’ve made it this far into the post you know too because I’m blogging and oversharing.
Even when I’ve come home sobbing for no reason, he has been there for me.
Part of the reason mental health has a stigma attached is because we hide those problems and feelings. Put ten other people and myself in a lineup and I can fake a smile or witty comment with the best of them. That doesn’t mean the pain is not there. It’s the textbook example of you never know who is suffering from a mental health issue.
When discussing with my therapist suppressing emotion has probably led to more negative thoughts than I care to admit.
I think being transparent is extremely important and I originally started my blog to be transparent about my life. I love blogging but my life is neither perfect nor close.
I struggled with social anxiety and depression through sophomore year of college. Eventually with talking with someone, I was able to work through it.
So what happened?
Since about March, I’ve struggled a lot. I’ve struggled with both mental and physical motivation.
I’ve struggled with what exactly the next chapter of my life is?
Will we move this year again? Will we not?
The list of small things that just compiles into a long marathon. I had been doing well and the last week was perhaps my brightest in a while until of course, today.
Like a mud run, I dug out of one hole only to be thrown into a deeper one.
Let’s talk more about the running aspect first. I preached about taking rest, and I have. Both mentally and physically, I’ve been burnt out since early May. I’ve had small minor aches in my foot for a couple of months, but it never seemed like anything serious. Nothing that altered my stride and in fact I ran both a 10k and 10 mile PR in May.
Like a responsible runner with no major races, I took time off. Honestly, it was nice not to worry about racing over the weekends and really giving no care to running. Even with rest, my foot felt the same, so I went to see a doctor who ordered X-rays and an MRI.
I’ve been walking around with no limp, just minor aches. Imagine my surprise when the MRI concluded I had rebroken the fifth metatarsal.
Previously, my X-rays came out clean, and I hadn’t flinched when they poked, prodded and stuck a tuning fork against my foot. They squeezed the $hit out of my feet, and I didn’t flinch. It was like a bad episode of the Maury show: Hollie, you have a fracture and the whole room gasps. By the entire room, I mean me. You’re silently gasping from your computer.
Since my fracture is not from yesterday and there is no timeline, I probably ran Broad Street, the Newport 10k and that mile race on a fractured foot. Which makes even less sense because it never altered my stride at all. If it did, I wouldn’t run.
It’s actually shocking because I never felt anything of that degree of pain.
Yet, at the MRI my foot lit up like the Eiffel Tower. Since I haven’t run in three weeks already, I’m well on my way to healing. I’m already allowed to run at a low weight on the alterG. I can pretend to be Kenyan, but I don’t know if I’m really in the mood. Running has broken my heart more times than old flames and why go back…
My cause for concern is more: multiple stress fractures over the course of 5 years. A bone density test concluded my bones were healthy two years ago but are they healthy now?
But wait, there’s more: food poisoning:
Last night I felt extremely sick. My stomach felt off, so I decided to go to the doctor. They figured out I had a rare form of food poisoning (only 200,000 cases a year!) from either undercooked fish or fish that came from brackish waters.
Since it can stay in your system for up to a month, there is no real answer of where that developed. This can last in my system for 48 hours or 2 weeks. Hopefully, I don’t have to take these garlic pills long…its just another thing to add to the list. After a shot and pills that reek of garlic, I was off to the foot doctor. While this only gets a paragraph in today’s post, it’s a somewhat serious issue that has me at home too. Not life threatening but life inhibiting.
This is a long-winded, pretty depressing and Debbie downer post. It’s not the post anyone wants to write, but I think it’s beneficial to write it.
I do plan to write more about my fracture. I’m going to get another bone density test and get my form and gait looked at. It’s easy to rule out most summer races as well as a fall marathon.
As far as my anxiety, that will be a constant battle. At the end of the day, there are far worse things in life and I’m not comparing my issues to anyone else. But being honest with myself, I have a lot of issues going on. If you need me today, I’ll be sitting at home watching Americas Next Top Model, and anyone is welcome to join if you can hang with a garlic lady.